seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
