Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
