Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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