First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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