I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
