as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
