My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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