So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
