my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
