then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Randomize
