I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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