I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
