she woke up with a sticky ear
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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