She is in my trunk
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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