there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
