Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
