Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
