I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize