i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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