I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
