There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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