I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
