Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
