I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
