I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
