Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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