Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
