Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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