he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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