guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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