Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
