I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
