I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
