Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
