new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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