To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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