Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
