doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
