Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
