Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
