4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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