I wish I only lived at night.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
