first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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