I just saw a hot homeless man
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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