I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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