Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize