When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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