You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
