She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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