I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
