Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
