If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
