there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize