I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
