I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
