I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
