I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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