sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
