your room smells of hookers.
And success
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
