i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
