I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
